What NOT TO SAY to Someone Dealing with Anxiety & Depression

I’ll say it, talking to my therapist is so much easier than talking to my friends and family. Sure, she is getting paid to listen to me talk about my problems. But she also has an education that allows her to help me solve them. For some reason, the idea of talking to those closest to me TERRIFIES me. The idea that someone I love so much could say the thing that hurts me the most keeps me silent.

Maybe you’re in the same boat. Maybe you are ready to talk, but your fear of what they might say keeps you from reaching out. I have the solution. This blog post. Yep, the one you’re reading. All you have to do is send your loved ones a link to this post with a little note saying, “I want to talk, but this is what I’m afraid will happen.” It isn’t harsh. It isn’t rude. It’s a first step. It alleviates any fear you may have.

So if you are reading this because someone sent it to you, grab some coffee and a pen and let’s talk about a few things NOT TO SAY to someone battling anxiety and/or depression:

1. “You just need to get over it.”

If only it were that easy… Truth is, I don’t know how. If you think I enjoy living in this headspace you’re very wrong. I’d love to be “over it.” Reaching out to talk is a huge step in the right direction. It will take time, maybe a long time, but it’ll be worth the wait.

INSTEAD: Say, “I’m here for you, what can I do?”

2. “I needed a friend and you weren’t there for me.”

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. I couldn’t be there for myself. I consider getting out of bed a major accomplishment. And to be honest, I needed a friend too and you weren’t there for me either. Friendship is a two-way street.

INSTEAD: Say, “Let’s help each other.”

3. “You’re being selfish.”

Dealing with depression and anxiety is the opposite of selfishness. I constantly think about everyone else’s problems and compare them to my own. Your problems will always outweigh my own, no matter how serious my own issues are. Believe me, I am terrified of coming across as selfish, that’s why I neglect my own issues for as long as possible. But taking care of myself and voicing my struggles does not make me selfish.

INSTEAD: Say, “I want to help. Can I?”

4. “Why can’t you just…?”

Why I can’t just move on? Why I can’t just deal with it like everyone else? Why I can’t just function normally in society? I ask myself those questions every single day. I don’t know the answers. I want to try to explain myself, but it may not make sense.

INSTEAD: Say, “Try to tell me why, I am willing to listen.”

5. “I’ve been through what you’re going through.”

Everyone’s battle with anxiety and depression is different. My journey to a health may look different from yours. Your advice may not help me. I appreciate your willingness to help me, but advice is not what I need. At least not right now.

INSTEAD: Say, “If you ever want advice, know I’m here.”

6. “It will get better.”

It doesn’t make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I know logically, eventually, this pain will go away. Right now, I need to find a way to deal with the pain. If I don’t, the pain will return.

INSTEAD: Just give them a hug.

7. “It’s all in your head.”

If we are talking facts and figures, you are correct. Our mind is where anxiety and depression take root. Problem is, these issues manifest themselves in physical ways. So I wish it was only in my head. I wish I could get out of bed every day and not feel totally exhausted due to the crippling pressure of depression and anxiety. I wish I could go to work every day and not get sidelined by an anxiety attack. If anything, it proves how powerful our minds are.

INSTEAD: Say, “I may not understand, but I do love you and want to support you.”

The first person I talked to, other than my therapist, was my mom. We have a very close relationship (think, ‘Gilmore Girls’), but I was not into the idea of talking to her about some pretty scary thoughts. Eventually, we started talking. My mom told me that she doesn’t always understand what I’m talking about, but she tries. And that’s the key. Just keep trying. Don’t give up hope. I know you might be thinking you don’t even know your friend or family member anymore. That’s how powerful anxiety disorders and depression can be. PLEASE know they still there. They’re just struggling right now. It won’t be forever. Keep trying.